miscellaneous mom

click here to be transported to the new home of misscelaneous mom

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 08:42:13 -0500

click here to be transported to the new home of misscelaneous mom:

Since I can’t just up and leave my life, I’ve decided to up and leave my blog host. No biggie. Nothing really happened. It’s amicable. Anyway, check it out and don’t be creepy: let me know you’ve dropped by (follow me!).
On another note, if you should find yourself at my fancy new blog and you should happen upon some ads on the site, feel free to click on them. Fun! Maybe I get money? Maybe they’ve threatened my first born if you don’t comply?
One other thing: could you wash your hands before you arrive at my new site? There’s a lot going around right now.

won't anyone think of the children?

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 10:00:00 -0500

Isn’t it just so sad when a famous couples’ kid isn’t cute?

Sad. But satisfying.

After having a conversation with a stranger about how luxurious...

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 17:56:20 -0500

After having a conversation with a stranger about how luxurious my son’s hair is, I decided to re-gift the boy’s hand- me- down coat she’s been sporting. I promptly bought a bright pink coat for her and that’s that. I tried. I tried not to care. I tried to steer away from all the pinks, lilacs, and so on. I really don’t want to dress her in pink and other ‘girl’ colours exclusively. Actually, I think what bothers me the most is the fact that her blue coat was obviously a hand- me- down. I don’t care about the gender confusion, really. Ultimately, that’s Spawn’s cross to bear. I had acne when I was younger, you know? And my brother had scoliosis. There are no free passes.

Who am I kidding? I still have acne.

CNNBC video

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 23:23:40 -0500

CNNBC video:

So. At first I was hesitant to post this news clip of myself but then I thought: no, let me be an inspiration to the millions of other moms out there who torment themselves with thoughts of inadequacy, wondering if they, too, can so prolifically blog and parent simultaneously. You can do it!

You’re welcome, world.

This ad makes me think about this whole H1N1 vaccination...

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 21:30:49 -0500

This ad makes me think about this whole H1N1 vaccination business. Sometimes ‘they’ tell you that certain things are fine when they aren’t fine. Like, letting your baby sleep under a tanning light. Let me tell you and I won’t say it again: do not attempt to tan your baby with a diaper on. Because of their fragile, new skin those tan lines will take forever to fade. Last night I gave Spawn a bath. She cried a little initially but I figured she was just fussing because it was her first bath ever. When I took her out later, it looked like she had pink tights on. Oops! I guess the water was a little too warm! Her boiled lobster lower half was too cute though. At least I can blame every and any behavioral problem that my kids have on the vaccination. Like Jenny McCarthy. And then I can sue the Government. I don’t need to set up an education fund after all. Awesome!

I’m not sure when it happens but thank God it does. How...

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 22:06:57 -0500

I’m not sure when it happens but thank God it does. How horrible would life be if we never grew out of the crazy sleep moves that babies have? Every time I check on my dependent she’s in a different corner of her crib. Sometimes she’s sleeping on her back, sometimes her face. If we kept these nocturnal aerobics up, we’d have to be like couples on sitcoms from the 1950’s and sleep in twin beds separated by a night stand. There would be no way that two people could share one bed. Why would my silent partner put the box spring wrong side up and yet still put our mattress on top of it? It took a couple months but finally, I am sleeping in a mattress valley. While I toss and turn in a rage while my neck seizes up, I think about stuff like: if we tried sleeping in twin beds, separated by a night stand, would we have to have three night stands in total? Because who would control the light if you had just the one table in the middle? And I like symmetry. The only options could be three side tables, the one in the middle or none. And ‘none’ is just ridiculous. Where the hell would my associate put the change from his pocket that I steal for over priced coffee? Anyway, kids sleep stupid.

Why have I been under the impression that other mothers with...

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 07:26:16 -0500

Why have I been under the impression that other mothers with young children are the demographic I should be trying to spend time with? People with dogs are where it’s at! They have to walk them everyday. More than once, actually. And people with new dogs are the real deal because they still want to walk them all the time and Spawn and I can tag along. With moms, I have to work around their kid’s nap schedules, eating schedules, etc. Bonus: Spawn will grow very comfortable at seeing a smaller being wearing a leash and this is something I want her to be very familiar with. I still haven’t forgotten about the baby leash. It’s going to happen. Very soon.

I just saw the craziest story on TLC’s I Didn’t Know...

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 20:04:08 -0400

I just saw the craziest story on TLC’s I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant. This woman discovered she was pregnant when she went into labour. Although she never wanted children, she managed to go full term and delivered a daughter. She said that she felt ‘love at first site’ when she held her baby.

Can you imagine?! I mean, can you imagine that she felt love at first site! I mean, she learned she was pregnant and delivered a baby within a few short hours! And it made me feel like the worst mother. I already felt like I had an abnormally long detached period toward Spawn when she first arrived. But I attributed it to the traumatic torture I had endured and decided it was ‘normal’. But friends who’ve since had babies never seemed to have this warming up period? Maybe with the next one I’ll feel this fabled ‘love at first site’. That would mean I loved my second child best. Off to a good start! What a winner!

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate. That is the question....

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 10:25:10 -0400

To vaccinate or not to vaccinate. That is the question. I’m sure there is a direct correlation between distrust of the media and apprehension surrounding the H1N1 vaccine. At any rate, I’ve decided to do it. I was wondering if North America’s up-tightness was about to explode when it comes to touching in an effort to avoid spreading or contracting the virus? Forget about the double cheek kiss. Say good-bye to the strong handshake. Next up: curt nod. At first, the social weirdo in me thought that was great. Then the scientist in me thought I would help mother nature do her business and separate the wheat from the chaff. I’m moving right into open mouth kisses, full body hugs and aggressive eye contact to round things off. If you survive, great! If not… It’s survival of the fittest, people.

On an unrelated note: I’m bathing Spawn in scalding water and hand sanitizer. And outfitting her in plastic wrap, head to toe.

I want to congratulate my good friend who just arrived home from the hospital with her brand new...

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 19:52:43 -0400

I want to congratulate my good friend who just arrived home from the hospital with her brand new baby boy! He is very cute and I’m not just saying that because she’s my friend. I’m not even close to that nice. Anyway, he really is exceptionally cute. So, congratulations on not getting any stretch marks! WOW. Way to go on the creating life, too! xoxo

It's not me, it's her.

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 22:04:07 -0400

I feel so bad! I owe myself a huge apology. Why would I ever question myself when it’s so obvious now that it’s Spawn who has the problem?! I love being home with my child. I thought because I had gone so long without a break that maybe it wasn’t for me after all but then I had a lot of brakes over a period of days and felt refreshed again. My first full day back with Spawn we stayed home all day. She was cranky by noon. She was bored and not so fun to be around. Then it dawned on me that I don’t have a problem being a stay at home mom. It’s Spawn who has the problem. She’s not meant to be a stay at home kid.

Oh. I love this Gnome hat. And I love Etsy. You can click on the...

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 22:01:00 -0400

Oh. I love this Gnome hat. And I love Etsy. You can click on the picture to be directed to the Etsy store and then you can buy it for me (Spawn).

THE MIRACLE OF LIFE: PREGNANCYHere’s something awesome...

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 21:43:52 -0400

THE MIRACLE OF LIFE: PREGNANCY

Here’s something awesome about pregnancy: you need to dramatically increase your water intake. If you don’t, I don’t know what might happen? Maybe you’ll be thirsty and slightly irritable all day? Maybe you’ll slip upstairs to poop and you’ll be missing for nearly three quarters of an hour with a shit the size of a sweet potato that you’d swear was a brick? Maybe you’ll start to panic when it makes an appearance but gets stage fright only to freeze neither in, nor out? Maybe you’ll have to walk around the bathroom and do squats in a vain attempt to finish things up even though deep down you know that what you really need to do is bare down and practice your breathing techniques? Maybe you’ll have to check to make sure it isn’t, in fact, a baby? Maybe you’ll comtemplate a trip to the emergency room or maybe just living with this outie poop for the rest of your life? Maybe when it’s all said and done, you’ll be left with a hemorrhoid the size of a kalamata olive, the legacy, if you will, of your harrowing and traumatic experience? Maybe life is just harder to face if you don’t stay hydrated, O.K? What a fucking miracle.

Being a Domestic Scientist has its ups and downs. PRO: I spend...

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 12:50:41 -0400

Being a Domestic Scientist has its ups and downs.

PRO: I spend my associate’s money. Exclusively. Having no actual income of my own at present.

CON: I have no actual income of my own at present.

Yesterday, I went to a certain department store and I picked out two items that I ~~wanted~~ needed. I handed the twelve year old cashier my silent partner’s credit card and she informed me that there was a ‘boy’s name’ on it. So? I asked. And she told me that she couldn’t put it through because it wasn’t my name and that ‘they’ are really strict about it. The injustice! This is how the exchange should have gone:

twelve year old cashier: This has a boy’s name on it.

me: No. It has a man’s name on it. My husband’s name to be precise (I don’t really need to go into details with her about this point. In this instance, it is convenient for me to give my boyfriend the title for free). I am the mother of both his children, a one year old daughter and one in utero child, gender unknown as of yet. Because of these circumstances I am unemployed and therefore, I need to live off of my husband’s earnings. That is why I am using his credit card. And while I’m not sure if he would approve of this purchase specifically (a very soft and useless blanket to replace a very soft blanket we already own and use), I assure you he is well aware that I am using the credit card. Because, you see twelve year old, when you’re a family, there really isn’t a “your’s” and “mine”, it’s “our’s” because we all make sacrifices for the greater good. Him: his money and credit. Me: my womb and figure. So, I’ll thank you to put the purchase through on the card and refrain from embarrassing other income-less stay-at-home mothers who already struggle with having to ask for money and who have to buy clothes at the grocery store so that purchase is camouflaged amongst the bread and milk. Have a nice day and shouldn’t you be at school?

This morning I literally laid on the floor and cried like a baby. I can’t really explain it....

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 10:29:07 -0400

This morning I literally laid on the floor and cried like a baby. I can’t really explain it. Spawn wouldn’t stop crying and I couldn’t face getting us both organized enough to go outside and actually do something. I think I’m the opposite of most moms. I feel guilty that my kid is not in day care. If she was at least there part time… She could learn about inukshuks, African drummers, social skills, etc. I’ve tried to do on line research to find out what I can do with her that would resemble ‘learning centres’ in day care but I can’t find much. That I want to do, I mean. For a couple days I was really worried that she was saying ‘Bo’ as in Bo on the Go, the cartoon. The thought that she was using some of her first words to say a t.v. show character shocked and terrified me. It turns out it was something that her Grandmother taught her and she was saying ‘boom’. In fact, it seems as though every time she comes back from a stint at her Grandmother’s, she’s learned a new word or skill of some description. I just hope that the benefits of hearing ‘I love you’ and getting hugs and kisses out weighs the inevitable brain atrophy she’ll experience from staying home with me.

"It’s not as hard as last time!"

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 21:43:57 -0400

““It’s not as hard as last time!””

- I thought I would document every inappropriate comment thrown at me this during my second pregnancy. This comment came from a friend who noticed my growing belly, proceeded to poke it and then topped it all off with this lovely observation.

One friend was waitressing throughout her pregnancy and a customer asked her if she planned on having a ‘vaginal delivery’. I can’t think of any context that would justify someone you’re waiting on saying ‘vaginal’ to you? Can you say vagina without picturing one? Anyway, people stay stupid stuff to pregnant people and I’m keeping track. And I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t try to profit from this.

your kid ate WHAT? on TLC

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 21:29:13 -0400

your kid ate WHAT? on TLC:

My new greatest fear is that my child will have reason to be on this show. It would be very humiliating. And inconvenient. I hate the emergency room. Spawn eating a D cell is pretty much the only way to get me to sit in that germ infested hell whole all night.

This video made me realize that my child has reached yet another...

Thu, 08 Oct 2009 22:39:47 -0400

This video made me realize that my child has reached yet another vital developmental milestone: good timing. While watching Aubrey throw multiple tantrums in the privacy of her own home, I was initially bummed that Spawn (#1) threw one of her first in public. Tonight. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I had completely missed the point!

Had she really wanted to piss me off, she would have lost it as soon as my food arrived or knocked my glass over or something. But she was a delight(ish) during dinner and it wasn’t until I picked her up out of the high chair that she decided to pitch a fit. I couldn’t make her stop and she even tried to ram my face with her’s (which makes me laugh, so nice try) and I gave up and quickly left the restaurant. In fact, I left so quickly that my brother had to pay for me. SCORE! My dependent is really starting to pay out!

You cannot teach that kind of timing, people.

Dare to dream

Sun, 04 Oct 2009 20:23:23 -0400

Someday. Someday… my Dependents will go to camp for two weeks. Someday… This is the one and only time that I will gladly pay for someone other than myself to go on a vacation. Talk about staycation!

How many peoples’ baby books actually go from hospital...

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 20:41:07 -0400

How many peoples’ baby books actually go from hospital bracelet, to first hair cut, to first birthday, to first day of school? Not mine. Not my brother’s. And certainly not Spawn’s. I guess I’ll buy a baby book for Spawn 2 but I won’t be able to fill it out past 5 months or it will bite me in the ass later when they use it as proof that I love one more than the other. When I imagine that happening, I picture my ass being really firm and toned because after this baby, I vow to hit the gym. Hard. Back to my legacy of neglegent parenting, I swore I’d finish Dependent’s baby book but I felt like I was back in university. One month would go by and I’d realize I didn’t write anything but would catch up later that night. Then two more months would go by and I’d have to cram, writing down half remembered milestones and maybe making up some stuff that I think she’d like to believe later on. Luckily, my good friend, Katelyn Fraser, just so happens to be a very talented professional photographer. I may not have documented Spawn’s first steps but she’s been professionally photographed at a Suri Cruise level. If it wasn’t for her, Spawn would probably bother me later on with allegations of kidnapping or secret adoption. Thanks Katelyn!

Check out her blog: katelynfraserphoto.tumblr.com and her website: katelynfraserphoto.com